It’s been :

Three months – two weeks

15 weeks – 5 days

110 days

2,640 hours

I am skipping the minutes as I feel like what’s the point? I’m never going to get this time back. In many ways I kind of feel robbed. I’ll never get back the three months -2 weeks, or the 15 weeks-5 days, or the 110 days I’ve lost.

This TBI (That’s what they are calling it) has completely disrupted my life-and pretty much stopped 07/11/2023.

However, things are getting better. Initially when I first hit my head the impact was on the right front/side of my head. Forehead/temple area. Aside from many many sutures experienced the following-

Aphasia:

• Speaking in short or incomplete sentences (this happens a lot)
• Speak in sentences that don’t make sense (Bingo!)
• Substitute one word for another or one sound for another (yep)
• Speak unrecognizable words (all the time)
• Have difficulty finding words (lots) I can describe the word, but I can’t say it. M
• Not understand other people’s conversation (I have to ask people to repeat themselves into slow down)
• Not understand what they read (I have to re-things to her three times to get it)
• Write sentences that don’t make sense (thankfully this hasn’t happened a lot)

I don’t have much of a filter. My EQ has always been pretty high. I’ve been able to read signals, cues, facial expressions, and take the emotional temperature of a room. Not so much these days- which is so frustrating. I’ve never been afraid of colorful metaphors (cursing) but I feel like swearing comes easy because it’s just easy to do and it doesn’t take much thought. I’m also not holding back and telling people what I really think even if it’s not popular or nice or kind. I work on my filter every day.

I cry a lot. About everything. I used to pride myself as being tough. Now, pretty much everything makes me cry. And it’s over stupid things- super frustrating.

A lot of the times I trip over my words, I don’t always understand what people are saying to me, I worry excessively about everything. I’ve always been a sensitive person but now I’m ultra sensitive and I don’t really like it. It makes me really uncomfortable.

My memory sucks – oh good god. I feel so old sometimes. My balance is off, and I think that have to do with being extraordinarily paranoid about falling again. I relive the fall over and over in my head. I’m seeing a therapist and it’s helping I think but I still worry about falling again it was just so traumatic.

When I first fell and hit my head, the diagnosis was a concussion. I was OK with that I mean athletes get concussions every day. And then the weird stuff started happening like food started tasting funny and I couldn’t find my words and I was smelling weird things and my balance was off and I couldn’t sleep (still can’t) and and and…

Then, I got the ability to be taken care of by a really great team, and they introduced the words :TBI: and while I wasn’t really happy about having that sort of diagnosis, it made sense.

My days are categorized either as good brain days or bad brain days. The good brain days feel almost normal although I can still tell I have a deficit the bad brain days or just a plain shit show. for instance, on bad brain days, it is pretty much nonstop, crying, excessive fatigue, and when my brain decides it’s had enough my body just needs to sleep. And when I mean sleep, I mean I need to lay down and shut my eyes and it’s either a power nap of a short while or it’s a true nap like a newborn of two or three hours. I have no control over any of this and as I have shared with other people, there’s no way to muscle through this or take control of this or anything I mean this is kind of like being in prison and you’re somebody’s bitch and a bitch right now is my brain.

My team tells me I will be normal and get back almost 100% of what I had before. I don’t know if I believe that. I’ve never been great at waiting. I’m probably one of the most impatient people on the planet. I figure a lot of it has to do with instant gratification and that’s another post for another time.

I am improving. I told myself that every day, even if the improvements are microscopic, and only recognizable by me. If I don’t tell myself that I can get to a pretty dark place and well, I’m not a depressed person by nature I’ve had more dark and gloomy days and I have had bright days. This is something I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

I’m fortunate to have a really great circle of support. I have a close friend in particular who is also my accountability partner, and he (God bless him) listens to my whining quite a bit and gets right down in the mud and sits with me regardless of how dirty we get. I’m extraordinarily grateful and thankful to him and for him, it really reinforces my belief that people are put in your life for a reason, season or lifetime and I hope he’s around for a lifetime I think he is. (there I go over thinking shit again- just live in the moment, trust the process, that’s what they tell me)

Most people that I encounter these days tell me that I’m different. That bothers me greatly because it makes me wonder how I am different because I don’t recognize it. It also makes me wonder if I’m not acceptable as I am right now and will it be like this forever?

Below is a picture of a brain and the area of my brain that was hurt. I’m not a neurologist just a lay person, but I circled where I hit my head and the things that I am experiencing that are challenges right now in association with healing

Oh and it’s been 158,437 minutes (I mean, if we’re counting)

It’s also taken me 5 hours and 43 minutes to write this fucking thing.