I was born dramatic. Mom says I literally came out of the womb like that. What’s that Lady Gaga song? – “Born This Way” – Yep, that’s me. However, since “The Fall” (TF) everything is different. It’s a different kind of dramatic. It’s weird. I don’t like it.
“Before the Fall” (BTF) I was dramatic. It’s just how I am wired. I have always been a AAA (triple A) personality. Tightly wound, a control freak, tough as nails (I prided myself on the tough as nails part), a non crier, a taking names and kicking ass kind of a person. Seriously- in control of everything.
Not so much now. Now I cry a lot. I felt like I was emotional before. But now it’s ridiculous. I worry about stupid things now that I never used to worry about.
I worry about people liking me. I worry about people leaving me. Friendships, relationships, my partner. And maybe BTF those things may have bothered me, but I never paid attention to them because I was just so busy trying to control everything.
The weird thing about head injuries/TBI’s – not only do they mess with you physically they fuck around with your mind. Any control that you’ve had over the physical part is gone. As I’ve said before, you’re really at the mercy of your brain and how it heals. It dictates when you sleep. It dictates how you read, how things taste, how things smell, it affects your balance, and it really affects your emotions.
One day last week I had a really great brain day and I felt like I could probably return to work the next day. I was doing the exercises from my physical therapist and pushing the boundaries to exercise my brain. I was doing the exercises from my occupational therapist. I just felt so good. And then the next day I had a really bad brain day that set me back with a migraine, and a long time in bed and emotionally. I was a mess almost like I was hung over.
Aside from being so incredibly fatigued, I was overly emotional, and I cried. I was worried all day that my deficits were so pronounced that the important people around me we’re going to notice and tire of me. And if I’m being completely transparent, abandonment issues are things I’ve worked on my entire adult life and I have they were their ugly heads since I fell.
I continue to chant the mantra “I want my life back” logically, I know it’s going to take hard work. Emotionally I just don’t feel like I can do the work and I feel like I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. And what if I am?
Since the fall had to do a lot of exploring, I’m talking about my feelings. Anyone who really knows me, knows I hate talking about my feelings. Big vulnerable is not one of my strengths..
Fast forward to the weekend I took my gaming platform out for a test drive and attempted to play a video game with a friend. I lasted about 90 minutes – then the headache appeared, nausea set in, and I was a goner. My friend of course it was very cool about everything and he knows what’s happening with me regarding my recovery so I think him and went right to bed. I was so disappointed that I couldn’t hang out longer and it was just another one of those deficits that let me know who’s boss. And the next day, which was today again super hung over again from too much brain activity – today was a very quiet day.
I’m fortunate in that I have an amazing accountability partner (I highly recommend if you ever want to improve yourself, experience self growth, dig deep in regards to who you are, work on some thing that is challenging and you need somebody to sit in the mud with – find an accountability partner). And this AP has also become a really close friend who pushes the shit out of me when I need it. Supports me 100%, is probably one of the most inspiring, positive, nonjudgmental individuals on the planet. It’s no secret I appreciate and love him to the moon and back. And I don’t care how weird it makes him feel to hear that- I KNOW just how fucking lucky I am.
Where was I- oh yeah, (sometimes I forget what I’m saying or writing) this guy just doesn’t give up on me when I feel like throwing in the towel. He can reframe and see the positive in everything- and has the patience of Job.
A regular person would think how wonderful and lucky are you to have somebody like this in your life-right?
But nope- I can’t be a regular person who can be happy about this. Since the fall my anxiety has skyrocketed and I worry every day that I need to censor myself-because this no filter brain of mine is off the rails sometimes and I don’t want to be offensive and scare people off especially my AP. He says he’s not quitting on me.
And as everybody says, you have to just trust the process.
I’m so tired of hearing you have to trust the process.
So he sits in the mud with me on a regular basis. He lets me wallow. He’s encouraging. He deserves some sort of a medal or a crown or both.
Me wallowing in the mud.
I refuse to die this way 